At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
