I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
