Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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