i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
