I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
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Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
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you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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