i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize