If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
