she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
