at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
