I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
