I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
