i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
