you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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