my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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