he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
