nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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