She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
