I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
