I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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