I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
