Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
honey bunches of taint.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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