she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
