Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I had to cum in my sink.
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