U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
