capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
