I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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