God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
