Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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