Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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