my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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