I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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