I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
