So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
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Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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