I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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