I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
