when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
