I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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