I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
