I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
