i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
foreskin is a definite game changer
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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