Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
