I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
