I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
