seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
