Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
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