yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
