I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
