he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
