Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
