I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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