I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
