Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were trust falling into bushes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
