It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
