this beer tastes like vomit already
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
