Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
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Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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