update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize