Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
