I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I wear drunk well.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
