I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
