When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
