The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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